Pity Party for One

Today is one of those days where I just know that I'm going to have a hard time, but I suck it up and deal with it.
I had lunch with a friend who just got married last summer and is now pregnant. As always, I'm happy for her, but very sad for me. She said that her father-in-law said, "That was quick" and she said, "Not really". They had to use an ovulation kit. ONCE... Again, I know that I shouldn't feel the way I do, but I can't help it. Try over 5 years of ovulation kits, accupuncture, drugs, doctor's appointments and more doctor's appointments, it's hard to always be super strong and put on a happy face for everyone. But I'll do it, and no one, except for anyone who reads this blog, will know that I am really hurting and it is hard for me to deal with others and their announcements.
Tonight will be difficult as well, but I think I'll be okay. I just wish I could fast forward to February, when we will be able to try something again. Not trying is so hard. I feel like I'm wasting precious time. I know my body needs to heal, but I'm so ready to try again. I think it's the hope. It's easier to be hopeful when I'm cycling.
Okay, I just need to have a good, ugly cry and be done with it. If you are reading this and thinking that I'm a real downer, I'm sorry! Today I have to be. I just want it to be my turn.

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I did, but I'm really ready for December to be over with so that 2011 can be here. I'm ready for something... Someone posted this song on their blog and I forgot how much I liked it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D5PtyrewSs

Yay! They took it out!

I'm SO happy to be balloon-free! I feel 100 times better already. I seriously wondered how long I would be in pain. We'll see how sleep goes tonight but so far today I haven't had to take anything, not even Motrin! I went shopping today, bought lots of stuff for baking and even made dinner!
So about my doctor's visit - I only waited about 1/2 hour and then they took me back. She told me that everything I was feeling was normal. Lots of cramps because your body doesn't want it in there. She did an ultrasound before taking it out and showed it to me. Oh my! It was huge! She said he put a lot of fluid in there and that explains my pain, but he must've had a reason for making it so big. It hurt a little when she took it out, but almost immediately I felt some relief.
So now, we take Estrace and then something called Provera, which I've never taken before. Then, once I have a period, we go back for a saline sonogram to make sure everything looks the way it is supposed to. THEN, we talk to him and he decides if we can try again with the next cycle. So it will be awhile before we can do anything, but that's okay.
I was so happy today that for about 5 minutes, I thought about having my husband put up our Christmas tree. I won't do it, but at least I thought about it. :)

Giuliana and Bill

I love this show. I watch every week and can't believe this week's episode was the season finale. I have to say I thought for sure that she'd be pregnant. I watch her on E News and it seems like she's been wearing clothing that isn't so tight so I thought maybe she had a little baby bump. I felt so sad for them tonight...

Today

Today during the day seemed okay. I was sore, but it wasn't too bad. Fast forward to tonight - really sore and major pain killers needed. Only I have to go out for a bit for my husband's birthday so I can't take anything and I won't be able to have a glass of wine while out. :(
The last few nights I've been waking up really sore and can't get back to sleep. I really hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
I have Christmas shopping to do and I don't know how it is going to get done. I just don't feel good! I know, I know I should suck it up.

So this is taking longer than I thought!

I thought I'd be feeling great by now, but not at all! I am so sore and crampy and Motrin isn't really doing it for me! It's been really hard for me to just sit here, but that's what I really need to do. The more I try to do, the worse I feel. I went into work today for 1/2 day and even that was difficult. I have one more day to work and then I'm off for 2 weeks! I can do it!! Tomorrow, we are going to have a take it easy day in first grade. I'll let you know how that works out with 21 super-excited first graders. At least their parents will be there in the afternoon to help with the party! I get the balloon catheter taken out next Tuesday, so I just have to deal with it until then. I can deal with anything if it will get me one step closer to where I want to be. I've been thinking about it and I am a little surprised that no one saw this problem with my uterus before. After having laparoscopy twice, you'd think it would've been noticed. I'm not complaining about my doctor, just thinking out loud.
Since I haven't been at work, I missed the cookie exchange. Lucky me, I have great coworkers and they packaged up cookies for me! (Remember, I'm forgetting about this low-carb thing until after the new year.) I'm loving this. I have so many to choose from. I take a bite and if I like it I take another. If I don't, that's okay. I could totally do this for a living - be a cookie taster. How fun! :)

Christmas Idea

So even though I'm okay with no presents, my husband is not. So I was thinking of getting him a few little things and I found this idea somewhere to get the person a little gift for every letter of their name. Cute idea but I'm having a hard time coming up with ideas. His name is Shawn so I need a gift for S - I think I'll get him a scarf because he wants one, but I could use ideas for h, a, w and n. If you have any, let me know! Thanks!

Surgery yesterday

What a day! The roads were the worst I've ever seen in my life - even my husband was nervous and that doesn't happen! People were getting stuck everywhere and we were just trying not to be one of them! We were supposed to be there by 11:30 and left really early, luckily, and were only 10 minutes late. Unfortunately, some of the doctors were a little later. My doctor was on time, but the doctors before him were not so everyone had to wait. My procedure was supposed to be at 1:00 but instead, I didn't go in until around 4:00! I was starving and just wanted to get it over with, but I was trying to be patient. It wasn't anyone's fault and getting irritable wasn't going to help!
I woke up at about 5:30 and talked to my doctor. When they went in to remove the polyp, they found that my uterus was sagging a bit at the top (somewhat heart-shaped) and so he also fixed that. I have a catheter-type thing that goes up into my uterus and I guess has a balloon to help everything keep the shape that he wants it to. I have to have that removed next Tuesday and as for right now, it looks funny because it makes my pants stick out in the front! Anyway, he was very optimistic with my husband about this. He said that he feels very positive about it and has seen it help others who've had miscarriages. Wow, wouldn't it be awesome if this did the trick? I've been going through this too long to get my hopes up too high, but I can't help but hope that this along with everything else just might be what I need!
My recovery will take 6 weeks so we can't cycle in January, but that's fine with me. He also wants me to take the rest of the week off of work. It's our last week before break, I teach first graders, and we haven't even made our gifts for our parents yet! We'll see about that...Luckily we had another snow day today and I will probably take tomorrow off as well, but I really want to go back Thursday and Friday! But like my mom says, I need to think about me and what's important for me. My kids will be fine!
Last night I woke up at 3:30 in major pain. I took a pain pill (on the package it said take 1 or 2 and I thought 1 would be enough). It wasn't! An hour later I woke up again. It was very sore and crampy. So I took another one and that did the trick! I wasn't expecting to be this uncomfortable.
So today I'm at home relaxing. I think I'll watch Anne of Green Gables or Little Women, two of my favorite older movies. My parents are bringing me lunch and I'm just going to take it easy. :)

Thoughts for Today

1. I hear the treadmill calling my name and I am going to get on it...in a bit. Luckily I DVR'd Giuliana and Bill from this week. I heard that she is pregnant now and will announce it before Christmas. We'll see!

2. I need boots. It is supposed to snow quite a bit today and I have walked into school with wet feet too many times. I haven't had winter boots in years. I've had black leather boots that had heels, but I had a really hard time finding those because I have fat calves and they aren't really made for fat calves. Hopefully I will be able to find winter boots more easily!

3. I do NOT want a snow day tomorrow. If you are reading this, I'm sure I will NEVER say that again, but I'm saying it now. I already took a sick day because of my surgery and I don't want to waste it. My sub plans are made and those always take forever so they need to be used! Hopefully they clear the roads by this evening. I will NOT be putting my pajamas on backwards and will NOT put an ice cube in the toilet!

4. I listened to Christmas music yesterday and actually liked it. I think it was because I was so happy with my friends, but it was the first time this year that I wasn't sad about Christmas. Thanks to them! Love you! <3

5. I wonder if my husband will want to go out today and do some shopping? Okay, I better get on that treadmill and we'll see after that! :)

Great Day!

I had a great day today! The cookie party was a lot of fun. I loved hanging out with my friends. Now I have all of these cookies to give away!

I am so happy because I found out my insurance paid for Dr. Kwak's phone appt. with me! Yay!

Okay time for bed!

Busy time of year!

This time of year I am so busy it's crazy! Every day I feel like there's something to do. I'm looking forward to my last day of work before the holiday - the 17th, and then maybe some relaxation! My procedure to remove the polyp I have is Monday and then the rest of the week it's holiday project after holiday project with my little ones at school. They love it!

Today I am going to the 4th Annual Cookie Party with my BFFs. We wear matching ugly sweaters, make cookies together, drink yummy warm drinks and then they help me put together goody bags for my kids. I'm sure there will be some karaoke in there as well! I'm really looking forward to it! :)

Christmas

I don't feel like celebrating this year. I don't want to put a tree up or put up decorations. I am not in the holiday spirit. I feel bad because I feel like I'm not doing things that you are supposed to do. I feel like I should put aside my feelings and just go along with everything, but I just can't. This time of year just makes me feel sad and it's hard to pretend to be happy. So I'll buy presents, I do like to get gifts for our parents, grandma and the little ones, and I'll bake - that's relaxing and I definitely need relaxation, but I'm looking forward to January and hopefully some good news.

Resolve Meeting

I went to my Resolve support group last night. So glad I started going there. I've learned so much from the people there and they really understand what I'm going through. Without them, I wouldn't have gone to Dr. Kwak and I don't think I'd feel as hopeful. Thanks, ladies!

Today's Appointment

Today was my appt. with Dr. A. Before the appt., I called my insurance company to see if they'd received the pre-authorization forms from Dr. Kwak's office. They hadn't, but I asked once they do, how long it takes before a decision is made and I'm contacted. They said about 30 days. 30 DAYS! Really? You either cover it or you don't. How annoying! So then if they don't cover it and we have to appeal, I wonder how long that will take?

Back to my appt. with Dr. A. I really dreaded walking into the office today. Every time I go up the stairs it's hard to walk through the door. I've walked through that door so many times in the last few years. At first I was so excited and now it makes me really sad because we're still going through this after all this time. BUT I did it again and I'll keep doing it as long as it takes! So we went in and waited and waited and waited and waited. And then waited some more. Finally, we went in an exam room and they listened to my lungs and heart and took my blood pressure. I guess they have to do that before a procedure. Then we waited for Dr. A. Another long wait. Finally he came in, talked to me about having the polyp removed and then about what we found out from Dr. Kwak. We can try again with IUI anytime after the procedure. We will try with Prednisone, Lovenox and Metformin and will also push the dose of our other meds. I will keep trying to get the insurance company to pay for IVIG.

I asked Dr. A about intralipids instead of IVIG because of cost. He said he'd never heard of them and wouldn't just go putting anything in my body...Okay, so he's not the person to ask about those! My husband started shaking his head when I asked because he knew I got the info from the internet and Dr. A offered to beat him up for me! We all laughed but seriously, when you've been going through something this painful for this long, you just want help or answers. I've learned a lot from other people online!

We don't have to see the doctor before we do anything else. It was funny, he actually said, "No, I think we've seen enough of each other." Then he said, "Oh, I didn't mean it like that!" and I said, "Well I do!" I really like him and I know he wants to help us, but I'll be happy when we don't have to see him anymore! Okay, this blog is super long. Until next time...

I ate WAY too much yesterday!

So I just ate whatever I wanted and then some. We'll start this low carb thing soon enough. The problem is that I love to bake and I love chocolate! I made these homemade cupcakes and they are so, so good. I don't think I'll ever make boxed cupcakes again - OK I will, but these taste SO much better. So there were some left yesterday and I brought them home. I told my husband to take them to work this morning, but he didn't and now they are calling my name! What's a girl to do? I only ate one...

By the way, I don't think I could be one of those people that stand in line all night for Black Friday deals. I like sleep too much! We just got a new bed after having the same one for 10 years and let me tell you, it is nice! Too bad they don't have a BF deal for IVIG. I'd stand in line for that! :)

A patient from my doctor's office, who had IVIG and was successful, called me and talked for awhile on the phone. She told me that her insurance company covered it with her first pregnancy, but then for the second, said it was experimental and then wouldn't cover it (sounds like mine). She said the cheapest pharmacy had it for $2100. She had to have it every 3 weeks and I'm not sure for how long. We'll see how my appeal to the insurance company goes, but I don't have $2100 every 3 weeks! So frustrating... Why can't cases like hers be used to prove that it can help sustain a pregnancy? She has had 2 successful pregnancies using it after so many failures trying everything else.

I am so lucky! My mom called me and said that she knew what she was getting me for Christmas but she felt bad because it isn't exciting or a very good Christmas present. I really, honestly do not care about gifts so it doesn't matter to me. She's getting us a furnace. I'm THRILLED! I think it's the best gift I could get right now...Well second best, but she can't make that happen! Ours is 23 years old and about to die. It only works if we flip a switch a few times and it turns off all of the time. I cried when she told me because with all of our fertility expenses we don't have extra money and she is always trying to help. I really am blessed. Thank you, Mom!

I'm thankful for...

My family and friends. I don't know what I would do without their love and support. When I think I can't do this anymore or I don't know what I'm going to do, they listen and support and help me through it. I am so fortunate to have them. Whether it's to listen to me complain or cry, or get excited to try something new, they have been there. They also help me take my mind off things at times. I really need to do that more often. There is a world outside of infertility...
Words can't express what they mean to me, but I hope they know that I am so, so grateful! :)

Happy Thanksgiving! :):):)

Night out

Just got back from singing at the karaoke bar with friends. I had a lot of fun! It was nice to get out of the house and not think about anything fertility related! Time for bed! :)

Making phone calls

I had the day off today and have spent the majority of it on the phone. Yesterday, I had a saline sonogram because Dr. Kwak thought she saw a polyp. The sonogram confirmed it and I have to have it removed. So I have to meet with the doctor next week and then have the procedure done on the 13th of December. I do not like taking days off work, but again I have no choice.
Back to today...
I've been on the phone with my doctor's office scheduling appointments and trying to figure out how to get this IVIG paid for. My doctor is putting me on BC until I have the polyp removed. I haven't had to be on that since my first IVF and I said I'd never take it again, but I guess I have to.
I called another insurance provider, explained my situation, and they said that although it was covered under their plan, it would be pre-existing and would not be covered for me. :(
So I called Dr. Kwak's office and talked with Chad - super nice billing guy. He said that we could appeal and he has seen my insurance pay for it. Then I called the nurse there - Diane, another super nice person, and she explained what we could do to appeal.
I called my insurance company to get information about submitting an appeal, but they said that first I should have the doctor send in a pre-authorization form. They said that sometimes, even though it may not be covered as a prescription, it may be covered through major medical. So I called Dr. Kwak's office, left a message and now I'm done for today. There's nothing to do but maybe start making a few things for Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty much eating whatever I want tomorrow and I can't wait. I love Thanksgiving food!

News from Dr. Kwak

To be honest, her phone call was a little confusing! I can't wait for the paper version of my results. I have 3 different gene mutations - Factor 13, MTHFR, adn Pai 1. I also have a high testosterone level that could be related to the Pai 1 gene mutation. She said that the Pai 1 gene can be related to diabetic tendancies so I need to be on a low-carb diet.
Are you kidding me? I don't even like the taste of meat, really!! I love bread, pasta and chocolate! BUT, I'll do what I have to do I guess...
Many of the other tests came back normal and so I was super excited until she got to the NK cell results. Normal count is 12%, mine is 19%. My killing capacity is 24.8%, they want it to be less than 15%. She said each individual cell is well-trained! 
She recommended that I take Lovenox, Folic Acid, baby aspirin, Metformin (sp?), Prednisone and she said IVIG was my best choice to help with those NK cells. I asked her what we would do if insurance wouldn't cover it and she said we'd just do everything else and use the Prednisone.
I called my insurance company and they do not provide any coverage for IVIG. I have to say I'm pretty upset about it. We just don't have thousands of dollars sitting around unfortunately. We've already spent so much just getting here. So now we will try a cycle and see what happens, and just pray that it works without the IVIG. I'm going to do some research to see if there's anything we can do.
My sonogram with my RE is tomorrow and hopefully then I'll schedule an appt. to meet with him and schedule our next IUI.
When my husband got home today he told me that no matter what, he loved me and would always be here for me and that I am so important to him. Lucky me! :) I really needed that tonight!

Busy weekend, luckily!

I had parent-teacher conferences this week, so I was at school about 14 hours Tuesday and Thursday. I'm exhausted! I scheduled the saline sonogram for Tuesday, so I'll be happy to get that over with. Dr. Kwak will call on Monday morning and I'm trying to think positive thoughts. My husband is good at that. I'm better at the what ifs! This weekend I have a birthday party and lots of cleaning to do. Hopefully, I'll be busy enough for the time to fly by. I can't wait for Monday! :)

They called!

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it! Dr. Kwak's office called today. We set up a phone appointment for this Monday at 9:00 a.m. to go over test results. I'm not too happy that I have to take a 1/2 day off work, but we don't know how long it will take and I don't want to be rushed. Now I am just praying that it is something that can be easily fixed. I think after all that we've been through we deserve a break!

Trying to be patient!

I really hope Dr. Kwak calls this week. I would like to have some answers and schedule a meeting with my doctor to start something new. I only hope that she calls and it's something simple. Maybe just a little more Prednisone. I am worried about IVIG because I know my insurance doesn't cover it and when I look at other blogs, it seems like if you have to have it, you have to have it quite a few times. I know I am jumping the gun, I don't even know what's wrong, but I can't help but think about it. At least I have parent-teacher conferences at school this week and I'll be so busy I won't have time to think too much about it.

Rough Day

Today I was super emotional! It started at church when we were celebrating All Saints Sunday and remembering those that have passed. I was thinking of my grandmother - we were very close. It was also a day at church when babies are baptized. It was really hard for me to watch. I don't know why. I've watched it many times before. Luckily I held it together until I got to the car. I've been on such a high with the new things we've been doing. Today I was just very down. Hopefully tomorrow is better!

November 5, 2010

Started watching "Giuliana and Bill", the reality show, a few weeks ago. Watched the latest episode last night. What a tearjerker! She was dealing with her recent miscarriage and just couldn't understand why. I totally know how she feels! When you are a good person and try to do everything right, WHY? I'll keep watching and hoping they get their miracle. Lucky them, money is not an issue! So they can do many IVFs.

I called my doctor's office today and they said I don't need an HSG, but instead a saline sonogram that they will do in the office. I'm glad about that. I had an HSG last January and sometimes scheduling with the hopsital can be a pain. So, I wait until the start of my next cycle and then we'll go from there. I joined a Resolve support group, so I will go there tonight. I actually look forward to the meetings. The people there have given me a lot of great information and resources.

Dr. Kwak-Kim

So we went down to Chicago to see Dr. Kwak on Tuesday. The night before I had to fast after 8:00 p.m. and then in the morning, 1 hour before, I had to drink 32 ounces of water to have a full bladder. Well after 2 bottles my bladder didn't feel full, so I started on my third - Ugh! Hard to do! They took me back to do the bloodwork first. They took A LOT of blood. I think about 15 tubes, but they weren't all full. The nurse was very nice and we talked through the whole thing. I've had so much blood taken that it was no big deal, although I have never had them take this much at once! So by that time, my bladder was very full and I was hoping I wouldn't have to wait too long. Luckily, they took me right in for the ultrasounds. My husband wasn't allowed to come back for the ultrasounds, and he wanted to, but I guess they don't allow it. I had a transabdominal ultrasound and a transvaginal ultrasound. They found some small fibroids that they said weren't a big deal and they also saw something that they said looked like a polyp. They said my lining didn't look great and my blood flow wasn't as good as they want it to be. They saw a large follicle and said I was about to ovulate. Luckily, I've never had a problem producing follicles or with ovulation.

She also did a physical exam as well. She noticed I have varicose veins and told me that I really need to wear support hose. (They even found these veins around my uterus!) I've always had "old lady legs". It's funny because my mom doesn't...

Anyway, she then had my husband and I go to a conference room and she told us some things that she thought might be happening. It could be NK cells, but she would have to get the results from the bloodwork. My husband asked if it was encouraging that the Prednisone worked to at least get us to a chemical and if maybe that was an indicator that the treatment for any immune issues wouldn't be as severe. She seemed to think so, but again, can't be sure of anything until she sees the bloodwork. She also said that she will work with my doctor and I probably won't have to come to Chicago very often, which is great because the 5 1/2 hour drive was long and the traffic there is not good! She will call in a few weeks to give me the results of the blood tests and come up with a plan. She gave me a booklet that lists drugs that her patients are commonly given, along with their side effects. She also wants me to make an appointment for the HSG to see if I do have a polyp. I've never had one, so I don't even know what will happen if I do have one!

I'm so glad that we finally went to see her and are moving forward! :)

A little background

A little more background - My husband and I decided to go to a RI because we had 2 chemical pregnancies after IUIs with Prednisone. (With the IVFs w/out Prednisone, the cycles failed.) Since we had chemicals, we wondered if possibly the Prednisone was helping, but not enough. I read the book, Is Your Body Baby Friendly?, and it convinced me that we have immune issues. So no matter how much we increased meds, nothing would work. I spoke with my doctor and luckily he works with Dr. Kwak-Kim in Chicago. So we made an appointment with her. I will write about that in my next post!

Trying something new

I wanted to start a blog to write about my fertility journey. My husband came up with the name. I think it's pretty good!
My husband and I started TTC in the summer of 2005. We've since tried Clomid, 3 IVFs, 3 IUIs and today we just went to a Reproductive Immunologist in Chcago to see if I have immune issues. With all of those cycles, I got pregnant with 2 of the IUIs, but they ended up being chemical. I'm ready to try something new and I'm not giving up! :)

I struggle with all of the feelings that come with all of this crazy infertility stuff, but I remain hopeful that my husband and I will get pregnant soon! :)