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Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Happy Birthday To Me

I feel crappy today. I've been dreading this day for awhile. I'm 34 today...that much closer to 35 and still without a child. My birthdays just remind me of what I still don't have and my wishes don't matter.

I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. I always feel bad when I'm such a downer, but right now, I can't help it.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Follow-Up Meeting

I scheduled it for the 24th. When they called yesterday to give me the "official" news, I didn't cry. I just felt numb. They said how sorry they were and that my numbers looked so good and they were surprised. I almost felt like I had to comfort them!
Anyways, they really couldn't get me in until the end of August, but I go back to school then and the beginning of the year is CRAZY. I thought that since it was this kind of call, they could work something out for me. And they did, so I'll see him next week.
It's frustrating because I know what I want to ask him, but at the same time, I don't really know what to ask him.
Maybe - Should we try different medications? I've only really taken Bravelle and Menopur.
Why haven't I ever really seen a positive in 6 yrs - besides 2 chemicals, but the numbers were so low, they were never even possibilities?
I need something different, but quite frankly, sometimes I get tired of having to suggest things. I want him to say, let's try this. It's always me wanting to try something. He'll do it, but that's not the point!
After this failure, I have honestly thought about switching REs, and this is probably going to sound terrible, but he is well known and has good stats AND because I've had so many failures, he gives me a really good IVF price. If I go to someone else, I can't continue for long. With him at least I know I have a few more tries financially.
I also need to speak with Dr. Kwak and find out what she thinks. Did I not take enough IVIG? Do I need more prednisone?
Is there a chance that this IVF was just in the 40 - 50% that just didn't work? Maybe nothing was really wrong, it just didn't take?
So many questions...Hoping to get some answers. So tired of all of this but not giving up. How can I?

Monday, August 15, 2011

7dp5dt and on...

Well, I didn't post every day like I hoped to. Oh well. I cramped pretty much every day and on 10 days past transfer I woke up in the middle of the night with a really bad cramp down low that ended up in my lower back. Weird.
I had really bad back pain with this cycle, worst ever.
I also POASd quite a bit and saw many - signs, but not one +. I really thought this was our time, but it was not to be.
My doctor increased my prednisone and progesterone during the cycle, but apparently, it wasn't enough.

Will anything ever be enough?
Will I always feel this pain in my heart, this longing?
This is my life...wanting a child and trying to figure out how to get one. I thought IVIG was the trick. I guess not.
I could barely sit through church yesterday. Of course there was a baptism. Everyone was so happy and I was SO JEALOUS! And I do feel guilty about it.
And then there's the part of me that gets angry at God and just doesn't understand why.
I am a teacher and for the past 6 summers, I've tried to get pregnant. When everyone else tells what they've done or where they've gone, really, I don't have much to say because all I do is try to get pregnant. I want to be pregnant, don't get me wrong, I CAN'T GIVE UP, but I'm just so drained. So this was my 4th IVF and it failed. How many more do I do? Do I just keep doing them (until I have to file for bankruptcy) hoping that one will work? Why should one work when they never have before? I have never had anything more than a chemical pregnancy. Why? I pay these doctors all of this money, why can't they figure me out??

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

6dp5dt

Today was pretty much more of the same except I felt really out of it! This morning freaked me out a bit because I was using my Crinone and I put the little Estradiol on top hoping that I could get it in without using my finger, because well, I hate doing that. So I put it all up there, and of course the little blue pill stayed behind and didn't go where it should. So I put it back on top of the applicator and shoved it up there - 2 more times actually, and then when I pulled out the applicator, it had blood on it.
Now I have been feeling a little dry and sensitive there, so I e-mailed my doctor. Haven't heard anything yet, but of course I googled it and many women had discomfort from Crinone. Good to know!
I also got some news from Dr. K:

NK assay:
50:1     14.3     should be 15 or below
cd56    18.0     should be 12 or below

Th1/Th2 cytokines:
TNF     44.7     should be 30.6 or below
IFN      25.0     should be 20.5 or below

Thyroid testing normal, white count slightly elevated in you complete blood count.
Recommendations:
a. Increase prednisone to 10mgs twice daily
b. Pregnancy testing, progesterone and estradiol levels 10 days after transfer
c. IVIG with a positive pregnancy test

So I'm taking more prednisone and will have to have a pregnancy test sooner than my doctor was planning on it.

I'm not feeling overly confident. I'm trying, I really am. I have been told by my IF friends that I should POAS every day until the positive test, but I don't think I can do it. I am terrified to do it! Everytime I see a -, whether it's "too early" or not, I feel so defeated. I just can't do it. I know I could get a + and be so happy, but I can't yet. I am trying to believe that IVF + IVIG is my miracle and I hope it is.

:) Andrea

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

5dp5dt

All right, I survived another day! Really, things haven't changed much. I have:
~Cramps
~Backache
~Burping
~Feel warm, keep adjusting air conditioning

I am feeling like I've gained quite a bit of weight as well. I know that I do gain weight and get bloated with each cycle, but I really feel big today.
I have to take my PIO shots every other day and well, they really hurt! Luckily, we switch sides, but I'm sore every day. Not complaining, just saying.
I may write about how I'm feeling every day, not sure yet. I do know I go back and forth in my mind thinking that it either did or didn't work. I wish I could stop thinking about it, but I can't. I want it to work so bad, but I know there's nothing I can do at this point. Except pray and I've been doing that!

:)Andrea

Monday, August 8, 2011

4dp5dt

Well, I tried to stay postive and I'm still trying, but these cramps are not cool! Cramps make me freak out. I know people say that they have them the whole 2ww and then they get a BFP, but then there are a lot of people who say they don't feel anything and get a BFP. So far, I have...
~Cramps
~Backache (but that could be from the bedrest)
~I feel warmer
~Burping

Okay, I have to go to the doctor and then try to stay very busy today!

:) Andrea

Sunday, August 7, 2011

2ww

So I'm now in the 2ww. My IVF transfer was last Thursday. Of course I had a hard time getting my bladder full, (which is funny, because I feel like it's always full!), but luckily, they didn't have to fill it. I didn't even know they could fill it! She said it would hurt though and I didn't want to deal with it.
There was another couple in there who were mad about something and so they talked to my doctor for quite a while, which saved me, thank goodness! It was full enough, not like usual, where I can't wait to pee, but enough.
So then was the question, how many to transfer. I have had such a hard time with this. I just want the best chance for 1 and I don't want to be Octomom, but 2 just isn't good enough with all that I've been through. They retrieved 17 and 16 fertilized, but it's so interesting to see the chart and see what happens to the embryos. On Day 3, they were all still looking really good. On Day 5, when we were there, not so much. I had 7 that looked pretty good. So at first we decided on 3, then I talked with my husband and thought, maybe we should just put back 4. So of course I started crying and we called the doctor over. He said, "What do you want?" I said, "Just the best chance of having 1 baby." So he said, "Then we've got to put back 4."
So I did it. My biggest problem has always been with implantation, so here's where I pray that one snuggles in and gets cozy. I'm hoping the IVIG helps with that. I put myself on 3 days bedrest even though my doctor says it's not necessary. I want to keep everything calm and give them the best chance. I'm feeling good about it even though I've had AF-like cramps already. I'm hoping those are a good sign!
I won't need another IVIG until I get a + pregnancy test. Still working on getting help paying for that.
This is going to be a long 2ww. Hopefully I can keep myself busy and not freak out over everything my body is doing.

:) Andrea