Today I am heartbroken again...

And I never even thought I was pregnant! I haven't written on this blog in so long, but today I feel like I need to. It really does help me and it's been neglected too long. I've been checking up on everyone else and reading their blogs, but just not writing on my own.

My dh said it best, "False hope hurts as much as failure."
A friend of ours considered being a surrogate for us. She said something about it a few years ago and then her husband said something to my husband recently and we ending up meeting to talk about it. She had questions and concerns, but I left the meeting feeling pretty confident, although to be honest, still very surprised at the offer.

So yesterday when she called to tell me her decision, I was crushed. Of course she has the right to say no. This is a BIG deal. She has the right to be too busy right now and to not want to be pregnant. Of course she does. But it doesn't make it any less painful. I am so disappointed and upset that I let myself believe that maybe it was time for our miracle.

I saw my RE yesterday at Whole Foods. I told him that I just found out that both of my tubes are blocked after having a lap with a different RE. I also told him that I would be coming in for a consult because I might have a surrogate. (Yes, I told him all of this at Whole Foods. I have no shame and he did ask what I'd been doing or if I had any new news!)

So now we're thinking of having a consult with my RE to talk about other options.

The past few months I've had a consult with a doctor in Portland, (I think they have the best stats in the country.) He was very kind and so was his staff, but they didn't have any new ideas for the most part. He did say, however, that using Follistim has been more successful for some women that have had problems with implantation and we haven't used it, so I will bring that up to my RE.

I also had a laparoscopy done with a doctor here in MI. She was checking on my endo and also to make sure that there wasn't scar tissue from when the septum was removed. That's when she found that both tubes are now blocked from the endo.

My dh and I thought about asking the doctor to try a 3-day transfer this time as well. What could it hurt? We've never had anything but a 5-day, so it would be something different.

Ok, it really does feel better to write everything out. I just wish I knew answers or could understand this. I keep asking myself why this has to happen. I try to be a good, kind person and do the right thing. Why?