I can finally shout to the world that I am pregnant! Yippee!!! :) (Thank you God!)
This past Wednesday was 20 weeks and yesterday we had our Level 2 scan to make sure that everything was measuring the way it was supposed to. Everything looked great. Oh, did I mention we are having twins?
Twin A is 12 ounces (55th percentile) and Twin B is 15 ounces (78th percentile). I was also told that Twin B has a Buddha belly! <3
I haven't posted before this because, well, I've been exhausted, but I have also been afraid. We've only known loss and sadness for so long, I was afraid to jinx myself.
I am trying very hard to take this day by day and just be grateful for my 2 little miracles. I am a very anxious person, however, so every little cramp or pain scares me. I know I am probably the most annoying patient at my doctor's office, but I don't care. I call often!
We also found out that we are having boys! There is no doubt about it. I am so in love already!
How exactly did we get here? Well, I'm not sure. This past summer, I applied at Rutgers, long story, but it was a plan to get me to Colorado to see Dr. Schoolcraft. I was accepted and applied to take an online class. I even bought a Rutgers sweatshirt! lol
I also continued to be gluten free. I heard about it helping with egg quality and I decided it was worth trying. I had been gf since January and I will tell you what, it was really hard! I really missed bread and pasta!!! But I just kept thinking that if it would help me get my family, I would do it. (Or anything for that matter!)
Anyway, I convinced my dh that we should just do one more IVF here, with the same doctor we've always used - I know I've said this before, but I love him. Anyway, we went in to talk to him and asked him to make a few changes just for the heck of it. We wanted to use Follistim instead of Bravelle. We had been told by other doctors that Follistim was shown to be better for some women with implantation issues. We had only used Bravelle in the past.
We also wanted to do a 3-day transfer. We have only had 5-day transfers and so we thought, why not? Maybe they'd rather develop inside of me rather than in the lab.
We continued to use the medications suggested by Dr. Kwak, but we were done with IVIG. It was expensive and we tried it twice. We thought that was enough.
So he agreed and we tried it. I believe I ended up with 14 embryos (I have this all written down, but am too lazy to go look!). We chose to transfer 5. Now I know that sounds like a lot and my doctor is not a crazy doctor that wants me to be octomom. However, we have had so many failed cycles and last time had tried transferring 4 and nothing happened. Also, he said that with 3-day transfers, it isn't as clear how many good quality embryos you are transferring, so transferring more made sense. He also gave us the lecture on selective reduction that we had heard so many times before.
They were able to freeze 6 embryos after day 5. WHAT? We never have many, if any, to freeze!!
I honestly didn't feel any different over the 2ww than I ever had. Well, I did burp a lot, even more than usual, but really, I was prepared for a failed cycle. We were in Babies R' Us getting my friend's baby a present when the call came. I made my dh answer it because I always answered it and I thought he should hear the bad news and then he could tell me. Heather, the nurse, would not tell him and insisted that we both were on the phone. SO, I put the phone on speakerphone right in the store and she shared the news. We were all so excited and I started to cry. She said they were fighting over who would get to call! The beta was good, over 400, and it was such an amazing feeling to hear good news.
We are considered high-risk and my MFM doctor is my OB. He is about an hour away, but was highly recommended by my IVF doctor, and so it is worth the drive. I've gotten to see the babies quite a bit and I can always go in for a scan if I'm feeling anxious.
I continue to pray and thank God daily. I also continue to hope that everyone else that continues to suffer will also get their miracle.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
It's IVF time again...and I'm excited!
I just read another blog and it told about a horrible car crash that killed a baby and then people posted that it was all a hoax. How could someone do that? It's so sad that there are people out there that would do this! And I cried for these people...this is just wrong.
I have decided to have another IVF in July. We spoke with our doctor and he agreed to give it another try. This really is the best time for me since I have a few months off. This is as relaxed as I can get! We are making a few changes: We will have a 3-day transfer instead of 5 like we usually do, and we will use Follistim instead of Bravelle.
These changes don't seem like much, but we are hoping that they will make a difference. I will take all of the medications recommended by Dr. Kwak, but will not have IVIG. I had it twice and since it didn't work, I can't see spending all of that money on it.
I've been gluten-free since January so hopefully that helps. I've also started acupuncture again and for the first time, I will have her come to my doctor's office on the transfer day.
Hoping and praying for the best. If you pray and wouldn't mind saying one for my husband and me, we would appreciate it! :)
:) Andrea
I have decided to have another IVF in July. We spoke with our doctor and he agreed to give it another try. This really is the best time for me since I have a few months off. This is as relaxed as I can get! We are making a few changes: We will have a 3-day transfer instead of 5 like we usually do, and we will use Follistim instead of Bravelle.
These changes don't seem like much, but we are hoping that they will make a difference. I will take all of the medications recommended by Dr. Kwak, but will not have IVIG. I had it twice and since it didn't work, I can't see spending all of that money on it.
I've been gluten-free since January so hopefully that helps. I've also started acupuncture again and for the first time, I will have her come to my doctor's office on the transfer day.
Hoping and praying for the best. If you pray and wouldn't mind saying one for my husband and me, we would appreciate it! :)
:) Andrea
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Today I am heartbroken again...
And I never even thought I was pregnant! I haven't written on this blog in so long, but today I feel like I need to. It really does help me and it's been neglected too long. I've been checking up on everyone else and reading their blogs, but just not writing on my own.
My dh said it best, "False hope hurts as much as failure."
A friend of ours considered being a surrogate for us. She said something about it a few years ago and then her husband said something to my husband recently and we ending up meeting to talk about it. She had questions and concerns, but I left the meeting feeling pretty confident, although to be honest, still very surprised at the offer.
So yesterday when she called to tell me her decision, I was crushed. Of course she has the right to say no. This is a BIG deal. She has the right to be too busy right now and to not want to be pregnant. Of course she does. But it doesn't make it any less painful. I am so disappointed and upset that I let myself believe that maybe it was time for our miracle.
I saw my RE yesterday at Whole Foods. I told him that I just found out that both of my tubes are blocked after having a lap with a different RE. I also told him that I would be coming in for a consult because I might have a surrogate. (Yes, I told him all of this at Whole Foods. I have no shame and he did ask what I'd been doing or if I had any new news!)
So now we're thinking of having a consult with my RE to talk about other options.
The past few months I've had a consult with a doctor in Portland, (I think they have the best stats in the country.) He was very kind and so was his staff, but they didn't have any new ideas for the most part. He did say, however, that using Follistim has been more successful for some women that have had problems with implantation and we haven't used it, so I will bring that up to my RE.
I also had a laparoscopy done with a doctor here in MI. She was checking on my endo and also to make sure that there wasn't scar tissue from when the septum was removed. That's when she found that both tubes are now blocked from the endo.
My dh and I thought about asking the doctor to try a 3-day transfer this time as well. What could it hurt? We've never had anything but a 5-day, so it would be something different.
Ok, it really does feel better to write everything out. I just wish I knew answers or could understand this. I keep asking myself why this has to happen. I try to be a good, kind person and do the right thing. Why?
My dh said it best, "False hope hurts as much as failure."
A friend of ours considered being a surrogate for us. She said something about it a few years ago and then her husband said something to my husband recently and we ending up meeting to talk about it. She had questions and concerns, but I left the meeting feeling pretty confident, although to be honest, still very surprised at the offer.
So yesterday when she called to tell me her decision, I was crushed. Of course she has the right to say no. This is a BIG deal. She has the right to be too busy right now and to not want to be pregnant. Of course she does. But it doesn't make it any less painful. I am so disappointed and upset that I let myself believe that maybe it was time for our miracle.
I saw my RE yesterday at Whole Foods. I told him that I just found out that both of my tubes are blocked after having a lap with a different RE. I also told him that I would be coming in for a consult because I might have a surrogate. (Yes, I told him all of this at Whole Foods. I have no shame and he did ask what I'd been doing or if I had any new news!)
So now we're thinking of having a consult with my RE to talk about other options.
The past few months I've had a consult with a doctor in Portland, (I think they have the best stats in the country.) He was very kind and so was his staff, but they didn't have any new ideas for the most part. He did say, however, that using Follistim has been more successful for some women that have had problems with implantation and we haven't used it, so I will bring that up to my RE.
I also had a laparoscopy done with a doctor here in MI. She was checking on my endo and also to make sure that there wasn't scar tissue from when the septum was removed. That's when she found that both tubes are now blocked from the endo.
My dh and I thought about asking the doctor to try a 3-day transfer this time as well. What could it hurt? We've never had anything but a 5-day, so it would be something different.
Ok, it really does feel better to write everything out. I just wish I knew answers or could understand this. I keep asking myself why this has to happen. I try to be a good, kind person and do the right thing. Why?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
I made it!
Whew!! I made it through Christmas with only a few tears! I just tried really hard to put things out of my mind because I needed to play with my nieces and nephews and have fun! Luckily, we don't really have any babies in the family and I can't see any new babies coming anytime soon for anyone else, so that makes it easier. So I played Polly Pockets, monsters and made a fort. I am a cool aunt! :)
On Christmas Eve, I paid for the person in back of me at Tim Horton's. I've always wanted to do that and it felt so good to do! Even though I didn't get to see their faces, I hope it made their day! :)
What I haven't been so good at is eating right. My dh's mom sends all of the Christmas leftovers home with us and guess who has to have something EVERY TIME she goes into the kitchen, yeah that's right, me, Miss Piggy! I really have to get back on track so that I can at least kinda, sorta fit into my pants when I go back to work.
In other news, I joined a Fantasy Football League for the first time this year and was in the "Super Bowl" against my dh. I won! So fun! I think I even get a trophy!
Fertility news~ We had another BFN from IUI w/IVIG in November. Dr. Kwak in Chicago doesn't ever really have anything to say when we have a failed cycle, so that's a bit annoying. If I contact them, they'll say that she'll let me know if there needs to be changes once I cycle again. But why do you think this cycle didn't work?
My younger sister said that she would donate some of her eggs to me, which I thought was a great idea, but they may be too similar to mine and we could have the same problems.
I met with my doctor and he's willing to try donor, although he won't actually perform the IVF, because he doesn't believe in it for religious reasons, but he said that he will personally talk to the other doctors and see what he can do about cost. He still really wants me to consider a surrogate, but we still have the same problem. I don't know anyone who would do it! I keep telling him that and every time I meet with him he asks how old my mother is. It's actually quite funny. She's almost 60! She would totally do it if she could though! :)
I also had a phone consult with the famous Dr. Schoolcraft from CO. I wasn't sure what to expect and to be honest, I was a little nervous, but we really liked him!
He said he didn't see any reason why I couldn't get pregnant with my own eggs and he'd like to try again. He also wants to do a test for the Beta-3 Integrin receptor. I guess if you don't have it, you may have problems with implantation. I've never heard of that, so we definitely want to check it out. He wants me to come for a 1-day workup. He also said that IVIG was hocus-pocus and of course, my dh agreed.
So now, here's the problem. I'd LOVE to go to Colorado and hope that they can work their magic. BUT I don't have $20- 30,000!
Do I go for the one day workup and at least see what they have to say? My mom says she'll pay for the airfare, but then what? Would it be better to just stay here and try my sister's eggs? I don't know how much that is, but I know it won't be $20,000...Should I just wait and try to save some money? I'm just not sure what to do and I wish I had a gut feeling about what to do! I'm just worried that if somehow we can find $ and do the CO thing, it won't work and then I won't be able to try anything else.
I really need to post more often. It feels good to write about my thoughts. Maybe that will help me make a decision!
:) Andrea
On Christmas Eve, I paid for the person in back of me at Tim Horton's. I've always wanted to do that and it felt so good to do! Even though I didn't get to see their faces, I hope it made their day! :)
What I haven't been so good at is eating right. My dh's mom sends all of the Christmas leftovers home with us and guess who has to have something EVERY TIME she goes into the kitchen, yeah that's right, me, Miss Piggy! I really have to get back on track so that I can at least kinda, sorta fit into my pants when I go back to work.
In other news, I joined a Fantasy Football League for the first time this year and was in the "Super Bowl" against my dh. I won! So fun! I think I even get a trophy!
Fertility news~ We had another BFN from IUI w/IVIG in November. Dr. Kwak in Chicago doesn't ever really have anything to say when we have a failed cycle, so that's a bit annoying. If I contact them, they'll say that she'll let me know if there needs to be changes once I cycle again. But why do you think this cycle didn't work?
My younger sister said that she would donate some of her eggs to me, which I thought was a great idea, but they may be too similar to mine and we could have the same problems.
I met with my doctor and he's willing to try donor, although he won't actually perform the IVF, because he doesn't believe in it for religious reasons, but he said that he will personally talk to the other doctors and see what he can do about cost. He still really wants me to consider a surrogate, but we still have the same problem. I don't know anyone who would do it! I keep telling him that and every time I meet with him he asks how old my mother is. It's actually quite funny. She's almost 60! She would totally do it if she could though! :)
I also had a phone consult with the famous Dr. Schoolcraft from CO. I wasn't sure what to expect and to be honest, I was a little nervous, but we really liked him!
He said he didn't see any reason why I couldn't get pregnant with my own eggs and he'd like to try again. He also wants to do a test for the Beta-3 Integrin receptor. I guess if you don't have it, you may have problems with implantation. I've never heard of that, so we definitely want to check it out. He wants me to come for a 1-day workup. He also said that IVIG was hocus-pocus and of course, my dh agreed.
So now, here's the problem. I'd LOVE to go to Colorado and hope that they can work their magic. BUT I don't have $20- 30,000!
Do I go for the one day workup and at least see what they have to say? My mom says she'll pay for the airfare, but then what? Would it be better to just stay here and try my sister's eggs? I don't know how much that is, but I know it won't be $20,000...Should I just wait and try to save some money? I'm just not sure what to do and I wish I had a gut feeling about what to do! I'm just worried that if somehow we can find $ and do the CO thing, it won't work and then I won't be able to try anything else.
I really need to post more often. It feels good to write about my thoughts. Maybe that will help me make a decision!
:) Andrea
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I'm still here!
It's been quite a while since I've actually posted, but I'm still here. I've just been super depressed and trying to get out of this funk I'm in! I think I thought FOR SURE that with IVF and IVIG it would work. When it didn't, I just couldn't understand why. Actually, I still don't.
After our last failed cycle in August, I met with my doctor and he basically told me that if I wanted to try again, he would, but he feels like he failed us and he doesn't know what else to do. He said again that I seriously need to consider a surrogate or adoption. (I get it. I know I need to consider those things. Actually I have considered them!) He went over our charts and said he honestly can't see why it's not working. He doesn't have many patients that don't have success after this many tries.
Anyway, he said that maybe I need to go see one of those doctors that "walk on water" in Denver or New Jersey. He gave me permission to get a 2nd opinion. I really feel like I needed that.
I left that meeting feeling so defeated and even worse than before and since then, I've just been down. Yes, it's a little better now, but I'm still not totally myself.
I've been going to see my counselor and she is trying to help me look at things in a more positive way. It is helping, but I don't know if anything can ever REALLY help.
I made an appt. for a phone consultation with Dr. Schoolcraft in Colorado. I can't afford him, I just want to hear what he has to say. I was happy that I just made the appt. That was a step.
I just started my cycle yesterday and am going to do another IUI with IVIG. My husband really wants to try more IUIs before anything else. I figure, why not? I don't think I can feel too much worse.
Oh, and I planted a potato, was given an elephant with the trunk up and removed everything but the dust from under my bed. You know, because we'll try on our own even when we're not going through treatments. :)
Off to get some mental help from my counselor.
Tomorrow is our Halloween party/parade at school. It will be crazy!
:) Andrea
After our last failed cycle in August, I met with my doctor and he basically told me that if I wanted to try again, he would, but he feels like he failed us and he doesn't know what else to do. He said again that I seriously need to consider a surrogate or adoption. (I get it. I know I need to consider those things. Actually I have considered them!) He went over our charts and said he honestly can't see why it's not working. He doesn't have many patients that don't have success after this many tries.
Anyway, he said that maybe I need to go see one of those doctors that "walk on water" in Denver or New Jersey. He gave me permission to get a 2nd opinion. I really feel like I needed that.
I left that meeting feeling so defeated and even worse than before and since then, I've just been down. Yes, it's a little better now, but I'm still not totally myself.
I've been going to see my counselor and she is trying to help me look at things in a more positive way. It is helping, but I don't know if anything can ever REALLY help.
I made an appt. for a phone consultation with Dr. Schoolcraft in Colorado. I can't afford him, I just want to hear what he has to say. I was happy that I just made the appt. That was a step.
I just started my cycle yesterday and am going to do another IUI with IVIG. My husband really wants to try more IUIs before anything else. I figure, why not? I don't think I can feel too much worse.
Oh, and I planted a potato, was given an elephant with the trunk up and removed everything but the dust from under my bed. You know, because we'll try on our own even when we're not going through treatments. :)
Off to get some mental help from my counselor.
Tomorrow is our Halloween party/parade at school. It will be crazy!
:) Andrea
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Happy Birthday To Me
I feel crappy today. I've been dreading this day for awhile. I'm 34 today...that much closer to 35 and still without a child. My birthdays just remind me of what I still don't have and my wishes don't matter.
I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. I always feel bad when I'm such a downer, but right now, I can't help it.
I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. I always feel bad when I'm such a downer, but right now, I can't help it.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Follow-Up Meeting
I scheduled it for the 24th. When they called yesterday to give me the "official" news, I didn't cry. I just felt numb. They said how sorry they were and that my numbers looked so good and they were surprised. I almost felt like I had to comfort them!
Anyways, they really couldn't get me in until the end of August, but I go back to school then and the beginning of the year is CRAZY. I thought that since it was this kind of call, they could work something out for me. And they did, so I'll see him next week.
It's frustrating because I know what I want to ask him, but at the same time, I don't really know what to ask him.
Maybe - Should we try different medications? I've only really taken Bravelle and Menopur.
Why haven't I ever really seen a positive in 6 yrs - besides 2 chemicals, but the numbers were so low, they were never even possibilities?
I need something different, but quite frankly, sometimes I get tired of having to suggest things. I want him to say, let's try this. It's always me wanting to try something. He'll do it, but that's not the point!
After this failure, I have honestly thought about switching REs, and this is probably going to sound terrible, but he is well known and has good stats AND because I've had so many failures, he gives me a really good IVF price. If I go to someone else, I can't continue for long. With him at least I know I have a few more tries financially.
I also need to speak with Dr. Kwak and find out what she thinks. Did I not take enough IVIG? Do I need more prednisone?
Is there a chance that this IVF was just in the 40 - 50% that just didn't work? Maybe nothing was really wrong, it just didn't take?
So many questions...Hoping to get some answers. So tired of all of this but not giving up. How can I?
Anyways, they really couldn't get me in until the end of August, but I go back to school then and the beginning of the year is CRAZY. I thought that since it was this kind of call, they could work something out for me. And they did, so I'll see him next week.
It's frustrating because I know what I want to ask him, but at the same time, I don't really know what to ask him.
Maybe - Should we try different medications? I've only really taken Bravelle and Menopur.
Why haven't I ever really seen a positive in 6 yrs - besides 2 chemicals, but the numbers were so low, they were never even possibilities?
I need something different, but quite frankly, sometimes I get tired of having to suggest things. I want him to say, let's try this. It's always me wanting to try something. He'll do it, but that's not the point!
After this failure, I have honestly thought about switching REs, and this is probably going to sound terrible, but he is well known and has good stats AND because I've had so many failures, he gives me a really good IVF price. If I go to someone else, I can't continue for long. With him at least I know I have a few more tries financially.
I also need to speak with Dr. Kwak and find out what she thinks. Did I not take enough IVIG? Do I need more prednisone?
Is there a chance that this IVF was just in the 40 - 50% that just didn't work? Maybe nothing was really wrong, it just didn't take?
So many questions...Hoping to get some answers. So tired of all of this but not giving up. How can I?
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