Pity Party for One

Today is one of those days where I just know that I'm going to have a hard time, but I suck it up and deal with it.
I had lunch with a friend who just got married last summer and is now pregnant. As always, I'm happy for her, but very sad for me. She said that her father-in-law said, "That was quick" and she said, "Not really". They had to use an ovulation kit. ONCE... Again, I know that I shouldn't feel the way I do, but I can't help it. Try over 5 years of ovulation kits, accupuncture, drugs, doctor's appointments and more doctor's appointments, it's hard to always be super strong and put on a happy face for everyone. But I'll do it, and no one, except for anyone who reads this blog, will know that I am really hurting and it is hard for me to deal with others and their announcements.
Tonight will be difficult as well, but I think I'll be okay. I just wish I could fast forward to February, when we will be able to try something again. Not trying is so hard. I feel like I'm wasting precious time. I know my body needs to heal, but I'm so ready to try again. I think it's the hope. It's easier to be hopeful when I'm cycling.
Okay, I just need to have a good, ugly cry and be done with it. If you are reading this and thinking that I'm a real downer, I'm sorry! Today I have to be. I just want it to be my turn.

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I did, but I'm really ready for December to be over with so that 2011 can be here. I'm ready for something... Someone posted this song on their blog and I forgot how much I liked it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D5PtyrewSs

Yay! They took it out!

I'm SO happy to be balloon-free! I feel 100 times better already. I seriously wondered how long I would be in pain. We'll see how sleep goes tonight but so far today I haven't had to take anything, not even Motrin! I went shopping today, bought lots of stuff for baking and even made dinner!
So about my doctor's visit - I only waited about 1/2 hour and then they took me back. She told me that everything I was feeling was normal. Lots of cramps because your body doesn't want it in there. She did an ultrasound before taking it out and showed it to me. Oh my! It was huge! She said he put a lot of fluid in there and that explains my pain, but he must've had a reason for making it so big. It hurt a little when she took it out, but almost immediately I felt some relief.
So now, we take Estrace and then something called Provera, which I've never taken before. Then, once I have a period, we go back for a saline sonogram to make sure everything looks the way it is supposed to. THEN, we talk to him and he decides if we can try again with the next cycle. So it will be awhile before we can do anything, but that's okay.
I was so happy today that for about 5 minutes, I thought about having my husband put up our Christmas tree. I won't do it, but at least I thought about it. :)

Giuliana and Bill

I love this show. I watch every week and can't believe this week's episode was the season finale. I have to say I thought for sure that she'd be pregnant. I watch her on E News and it seems like she's been wearing clothing that isn't so tight so I thought maybe she had a little baby bump. I felt so sad for them tonight...

Today

Today during the day seemed okay. I was sore, but it wasn't too bad. Fast forward to tonight - really sore and major pain killers needed. Only I have to go out for a bit for my husband's birthday so I can't take anything and I won't be able to have a glass of wine while out. :(
The last few nights I've been waking up really sore and can't get back to sleep. I really hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
I have Christmas shopping to do and I don't know how it is going to get done. I just don't feel good! I know, I know I should suck it up.

So this is taking longer than I thought!

I thought I'd be feeling great by now, but not at all! I am so sore and crampy and Motrin isn't really doing it for me! It's been really hard for me to just sit here, but that's what I really need to do. The more I try to do, the worse I feel. I went into work today for 1/2 day and even that was difficult. I have one more day to work and then I'm off for 2 weeks! I can do it!! Tomorrow, we are going to have a take it easy day in first grade. I'll let you know how that works out with 21 super-excited first graders. At least their parents will be there in the afternoon to help with the party! I get the balloon catheter taken out next Tuesday, so I just have to deal with it until then. I can deal with anything if it will get me one step closer to where I want to be. I've been thinking about it and I am a little surprised that no one saw this problem with my uterus before. After having laparoscopy twice, you'd think it would've been noticed. I'm not complaining about my doctor, just thinking out loud.
Since I haven't been at work, I missed the cookie exchange. Lucky me, I have great coworkers and they packaged up cookies for me! (Remember, I'm forgetting about this low-carb thing until after the new year.) I'm loving this. I have so many to choose from. I take a bite and if I like it I take another. If I don't, that's okay. I could totally do this for a living - be a cookie taster. How fun! :)

Christmas Idea

So even though I'm okay with no presents, my husband is not. So I was thinking of getting him a few little things and I found this idea somewhere to get the person a little gift for every letter of their name. Cute idea but I'm having a hard time coming up with ideas. His name is Shawn so I need a gift for S - I think I'll get him a scarf because he wants one, but I could use ideas for h, a, w and n. If you have any, let me know! Thanks!

Surgery yesterday

What a day! The roads were the worst I've ever seen in my life - even my husband was nervous and that doesn't happen! People were getting stuck everywhere and we were just trying not to be one of them! We were supposed to be there by 11:30 and left really early, luckily, and were only 10 minutes late. Unfortunately, some of the doctors were a little later. My doctor was on time, but the doctors before him were not so everyone had to wait. My procedure was supposed to be at 1:00 but instead, I didn't go in until around 4:00! I was starving and just wanted to get it over with, but I was trying to be patient. It wasn't anyone's fault and getting irritable wasn't going to help!
I woke up at about 5:30 and talked to my doctor. When they went in to remove the polyp, they found that my uterus was sagging a bit at the top (somewhat heart-shaped) and so he also fixed that. I have a catheter-type thing that goes up into my uterus and I guess has a balloon to help everything keep the shape that he wants it to. I have to have that removed next Tuesday and as for right now, it looks funny because it makes my pants stick out in the front! Anyway, he was very optimistic with my husband about this. He said that he feels very positive about it and has seen it help others who've had miscarriages. Wow, wouldn't it be awesome if this did the trick? I've been going through this too long to get my hopes up too high, but I can't help but hope that this along with everything else just might be what I need!
My recovery will take 6 weeks so we can't cycle in January, but that's fine with me. He also wants me to take the rest of the week off of work. It's our last week before break, I teach first graders, and we haven't even made our gifts for our parents yet! We'll see about that...Luckily we had another snow day today and I will probably take tomorrow off as well, but I really want to go back Thursday and Friday! But like my mom says, I need to think about me and what's important for me. My kids will be fine!
Last night I woke up at 3:30 in major pain. I took a pain pill (on the package it said take 1 or 2 and I thought 1 would be enough). It wasn't! An hour later I woke up again. It was very sore and crampy. So I took another one and that did the trick! I wasn't expecting to be this uncomfortable.
So today I'm at home relaxing. I think I'll watch Anne of Green Gables or Little Women, two of my favorite older movies. My parents are bringing me lunch and I'm just going to take it easy. :)

Thoughts for Today

1. I hear the treadmill calling my name and I am going to get on it...in a bit. Luckily I DVR'd Giuliana and Bill from this week. I heard that she is pregnant now and will announce it before Christmas. We'll see!

2. I need boots. It is supposed to snow quite a bit today and I have walked into school with wet feet too many times. I haven't had winter boots in years. I've had black leather boots that had heels, but I had a really hard time finding those because I have fat calves and they aren't really made for fat calves. Hopefully I will be able to find winter boots more easily!

3. I do NOT want a snow day tomorrow. If you are reading this, I'm sure I will NEVER say that again, but I'm saying it now. I already took a sick day because of my surgery and I don't want to waste it. My sub plans are made and those always take forever so they need to be used! Hopefully they clear the roads by this evening. I will NOT be putting my pajamas on backwards and will NOT put an ice cube in the toilet!

4. I listened to Christmas music yesterday and actually liked it. I think it was because I was so happy with my friends, but it was the first time this year that I wasn't sad about Christmas. Thanks to them! Love you! <3

5. I wonder if my husband will want to go out today and do some shopping? Okay, I better get on that treadmill and we'll see after that! :)

Great Day!

I had a great day today! The cookie party was a lot of fun. I loved hanging out with my friends. Now I have all of these cookies to give away!

I am so happy because I found out my insurance paid for Dr. Kwak's phone appt. with me! Yay!

Okay time for bed!

Busy time of year!

This time of year I am so busy it's crazy! Every day I feel like there's something to do. I'm looking forward to my last day of work before the holiday - the 17th, and then maybe some relaxation! My procedure to remove the polyp I have is Monday and then the rest of the week it's holiday project after holiday project with my little ones at school. They love it!

Today I am going to the 4th Annual Cookie Party with my BFFs. We wear matching ugly sweaters, make cookies together, drink yummy warm drinks and then they help me put together goody bags for my kids. I'm sure there will be some karaoke in there as well! I'm really looking forward to it! :)

Christmas

I don't feel like celebrating this year. I don't want to put a tree up or put up decorations. I am not in the holiday spirit. I feel bad because I feel like I'm not doing things that you are supposed to do. I feel like I should put aside my feelings and just go along with everything, but I just can't. This time of year just makes me feel sad and it's hard to pretend to be happy. So I'll buy presents, I do like to get gifts for our parents, grandma and the little ones, and I'll bake - that's relaxing and I definitely need relaxation, but I'm looking forward to January and hopefully some good news.

Resolve Meeting

I went to my Resolve support group last night. So glad I started going there. I've learned so much from the people there and they really understand what I'm going through. Without them, I wouldn't have gone to Dr. Kwak and I don't think I'd feel as hopeful. Thanks, ladies!

Today's Appointment

Today was my appt. with Dr. A. Before the appt., I called my insurance company to see if they'd received the pre-authorization forms from Dr. Kwak's office. They hadn't, but I asked once they do, how long it takes before a decision is made and I'm contacted. They said about 30 days. 30 DAYS! Really? You either cover it or you don't. How annoying! So then if they don't cover it and we have to appeal, I wonder how long that will take?

Back to my appt. with Dr. A. I really dreaded walking into the office today. Every time I go up the stairs it's hard to walk through the door. I've walked through that door so many times in the last few years. At first I was so excited and now it makes me really sad because we're still going through this after all this time. BUT I did it again and I'll keep doing it as long as it takes! So we went in and waited and waited and waited and waited. And then waited some more. Finally, we went in an exam room and they listened to my lungs and heart and took my blood pressure. I guess they have to do that before a procedure. Then we waited for Dr. A. Another long wait. Finally he came in, talked to me about having the polyp removed and then about what we found out from Dr. Kwak. We can try again with IUI anytime after the procedure. We will try with Prednisone, Lovenox and Metformin and will also push the dose of our other meds. I will keep trying to get the insurance company to pay for IVIG.

I asked Dr. A about intralipids instead of IVIG because of cost. He said he'd never heard of them and wouldn't just go putting anything in my body...Okay, so he's not the person to ask about those! My husband started shaking his head when I asked because he knew I got the info from the internet and Dr. A offered to beat him up for me! We all laughed but seriously, when you've been going through something this painful for this long, you just want help or answers. I've learned a lot from other people online!

We don't have to see the doctor before we do anything else. It was funny, he actually said, "No, I think we've seen enough of each other." Then he said, "Oh, I didn't mean it like that!" and I said, "Well I do!" I really like him and I know he wants to help us, but I'll be happy when we don't have to see him anymore! Okay, this blog is super long. Until next time...